‘Great chieftain o’ the puddin-race!’ – Robert Burns

If there is one symbol of culinary Scotland that stands above all others, it is the mighty Haggis. A delicious dish, but a divisive one too due to its ingredients. Well, the only ingredient of this Haggis T-Shirt is 100% organic cotton so you should be able to stomach that.

When I was but a wee slip o’ a lad, I used to love Haggis. Being half Scottish, much time was spent in the lowlands on holiday and of course, Haggis, tatties and neeps were considered a simple but delicious treat. Then my Dad told me what a Haggis was made of and I didn’t eat it again for a decade or so. Yes, when you really get into the list of ingredients, it does read as something quite disgusting. But I let the thought of what I was eating obscure the flavours – if we all did that, there wouldn’t be a fast food outlet left in the world (hmmm…). When you think about munching on lung and stomach, it’s pretty off-putting, but the flavour is delicious. Offal, barley, salt and some spices all come together in a filling dish with a unique and honestly delicious flavour. If you’ve been put off in the past because of the ingredients, I urge you to get over it and have a bite – it’s a hearty dish, full of subtle flavours and a real delicacy. Serve with mashed potatoes and turnips for the authentic meal. If you’re in the UK (even south of the boarder) you’ll probably be able to find a MacSween haggis in the chilled meats cabinet of your local supermarket (and there’s a very tasty veggie option too). In the US it’s a bit harder – there’s a law against eating lungs in America for some reason – but there are pretty close alternatives. I’m sure, if you try hard (and it is worth it) you can get hold of a haggis wherever you are in the world. And if you’re really keen, you can hunt one for yourself.

This delightful Scottish T-Shirt is brought to you by pre-eminent Scottish pop-culture celebrator and designer Gillian Kyle and I discovered this on notonthehighstreet.com. It comes in purple (with a whitish print), costs £22 and is available in sizes ranging from small to XL. Bon Appetit!

Apparently the most interesting place to which anyone has boldly gone.

Everyone seems so clean-cut in Star Trek, yet you know what the holodeck gets used for. You just know. It isn’t even implied but it is presumed. So here’s a Holodeck T-Shirt for you to look at while we discuss here that which is not discussed on the show.

Red Dwarf touched on it in a number of episodes when the crew managed to acquire a Virtual Reality machine, but it’s never discussed in Star trek. Yes, it’s a wholesome, pre-watershed show about the virtues of humanity’s future, but surely we cannot be expected to believe that the famous holodeck aboard the USS Enterprise wasn’t used for a bit of the other – at least occasionally. The whole crew were devoted to their well-pressed uniforms and upholding the standards of the Federation but that’s a long tour in space for a single man or woman. Yes, it’s lovely to walk through unspoilt paradises, or take part in famous historical or fictional events, but let’s face the reality that there was blatantly one holodeck on the sub-basement level of the ship that contained a box of tissues and some baby oil. Of course you have those nasty instances when the damn thing went on the fritz and turned its creations into reality, but the chance of ending up with a half-electronic family pales in comparison to the idea of years of space and nothing but cold showers and chaste conversation. All of this made me believe that it would have been far better to be a Klingon. As well as my propensity for scary women, at least they knew how to have fun. So, as the tee says, what happens on the holodeck, stays on the holodeck. Just remember to clean up afterwards.

This Star Trek T-Shirt is available from Welovefine.com where it costs $25.00. It comes in red and sizes range from S to XXXL. And remember that when you’re in space and you’re having your own Pon Farr moment, it’s ok to enjoy the holodeck. Boldly go and get yourself some.

Forget sharks – this is why I avoid the beach.

The seagull, though it might look like an uninteresting bird, is possibly the most cunning and evil avian incarnation on (or above) Earth. I shall elaborate below as you enjoy the looks of this lovely Seagull T-Shirt.

Though there is technically no such thing as a seagull (there are lots of different gulls – none of which are called ‘seagulls’) their reality is a stark and chilling indictment of the dangerous nature of birds. Now, I like birds, as a rule. I have no quarrels with quails nor any bad blood with blackbirds. But Seagulls are nasty bits of work. Their greatest crime? Chip stealing. Yes, these bully-boys with beaks that frequent British seaside towns will pinch the chips right off your plate as you try to enjoy the sunshine. And when you look to take them on – to reclaim your chip – you see the evil little eyes filled with hatred for humanity, and the yellow, knife-like beak that protrudes from their so-called faces, and think better of it. Yes, other countries may have bears, lions, koalas or any other big predator, but we have these things. An Englishman’s chip is sacred, and these feathered fiends defile the sanctity of the fried potato with such regularity that we ought to fear them. I do. Therefore, I haven’t been to the beach in England in about five years. I don’t miss it (though, admittedly, seagulls are the least of the reasons why I don’t miss English seaside towns).

Enough of my anti-avian ramblings. This Gull T-Shirt is brought to you by the talented folks at Mild West Heroes. It was created by the very talented Michelle Barker and I discovered it on notonthehighstreet.com. It costs £19, sizes range from small to XL and comes in blue. You go take a look, and I shall continue my research onto anti-seagull chip-protection systems.

“I am the cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.”

This week, I reread a story that I’d not thought about in a long time. It was from Rudyard Kipling’s Just So Stories. It’s called ‘The Cat Who Walked By Himself’ and so, fittingly, I’ve decided to look at this Moon and Cat T-Shirt.

I’ve looked at plenty of cat t-shirts already since this blog began, but this was rather a fetching one and it deserved a place. It’s also very apt that I should discover it this week. The Cat Who Walked By Himself was always a story I loved. If you’ve not read the Just So collection of stories, I do recommend it. It’s a fantastic work of fiction, for children and adults alike, and one of Kipling’s finest literary moments. There are stories about how the Rhinoceros got his skin and how the camel got his hump and lots of other intelligent, charming and often funny short tales that are well worth a flick through. But the one that always stood out for me, was this one. The cat is clever and cunning, proud and unique. He tricks humans so easily and does everything right, though he never wins. He never gets the real prize. Small perks and wins, yes, but he is still denied peace and love. He walks alone. Always. And everywhere he goes, the same problems haunt him, for all are alike to him. I imagine Kipling staring long into the eyes of a cat, back in the days when they were not considered house pets (when he wrote this, cats traditionally would never be allowed into houses – certainly not at night, unless there was a mice problem – they lived outdoors) and saw beyond the brooding mass of wonderfully evil intelligence that is so obvious in our feline friends. He saw the entity that it was – alone, in the darkness, and without love. Beastly, yet fragile.

This Cat T-shirt comes to you from Spreadshirt.com where it costs $27.49. It was designed by Fat Cat Shirts & Cat Lover Gifts, comes in four colours and sizes range from S to XXL. One can only be thankful that cats were let in from the cold.

“I have never seen a greater monster of miracle in the world than myself” – Michel de Montaigne

Yes, I am in one of my bleaker moods and have been dwelling within my own dark philosophies for a while now. You know how it goes. Self-deprecation, self-loathing, etc. Therefore, here is a Monster T-Shirt. Very fitting.

I apologise for my somewhat regular strolls into the shadows of my own mind. This is a t-shirt blog and yet you have to listen to me prattle on about the inanities and idiocies of my own thoughts about a hundred subjects that have nothing to do with t-shirts. Sucks to be you – or me for that matter. But, as this is my blog, I get to say what goes on here and it’s quite a good way to help get all the wretched neuroses out of my daily life. I don’t know what set it off this time, and nor do I particularly care. No doubt it was ridiculous and inconsequential in and of itself, and yet like that evil butterfly that flaps its wings in South America, it has has created a hurricane of angst, doubt and delusions here. All that is wrong is pushed to the fore of my mind. From my non-existent love life, to my fading social appeal, to my desperate attempts to be creative. It is like being surrounded by horrors that scowl and grin at me, mocking my attempts to be anything beyond the wasted potential that I am now. Lost in a sea of mediocrity and missed opportunities, I know not how to be anything else. I am the unexciting sort of monster who cowers in his cave, afraid of the light and abhorrent to the rest of his species. Such is life. I dare say I’ll cheer up eventually – it tends to happen – but I must serve my sentence in misery to earn my time in the sun. The most I can hope for at the moment, like the monster in this illustration, is to be present while others are happy, and hope that it rubs off on me.

Aside from my self-invented problems, this is a gorgeous and beautiful t-shirt. The illustrator has created something truly charming and should be very proud of a very pleasing design. I found this on Uncovet.com. It costs $25.00, comes in grey, and is available in women’s sizes ranging from Small to XL.

“The average man don’t like trouble and danger” – Mark Twain

Huck Finn is a bit of an old hero of mine. However, though I like the idea of floating down a broad river, fishing for my supper, I have a couple of issues with that. Ergo, here is a Huckleberry Finn T-Shirt.

As mentioned above, I like the idea of my rod dangling over the side of a boat (as the bishop said to the actress, etc) but I know that it just isn’t going to happen. Firstly, I can’t fish. I have tried several times and I know that it’s not for me. I’ve been nearly drowned, I’ve cut my digital artery on a swiss army knife (that was a fun trip to the doctor’s) and generally, I’ve had quite a miserable time. And aside from some minnows in a lemonade bottle, I’ve never caught anything. Between my father and some friends who are serious fisherman, I have studied under many and always come up short. Therefore, I can say without doubt, that Fishing is not for me. The other part of the problem of fishing for my supper is that I don’t like fish. Apart from the occasional scampy and the odd lobster, seafood appeals to me about as much as someone inserting a syringe of flesh-eating bacteria into my genitals. The smell of tuna makes me gag, and the sight of cod is more than off-putting. So it wouldn’t work. At all. Ever. And yet, I genuinely long for it. Or at least the idea of it. I have wept with longing and implored the heavens to give me the ability to disappear into the realm of endless days and quiet skies. I have worked and studied to find a route to it all, and yet there is none that will do, and so, it seems, it is at an end. My days of dreaming are sunk, gone down to the gloomy depths where the greatest myths and legends swim away into the dark oblivion of memory. It is all over, bar the shouting.

But, at least I can where a nice t-shirt, right? Well, this one was found at Fab.com where it currently costs $22 (reduced from $32 at the time of writing). It comes in green, it comes in sizes S, XL and 2XL, and was created by the brand Mojoware. So keep fishing, folks.

‘Duh… Duh… Duh… Duh… Duh Duh Duh Duh DuhDuhDuhDuh’

Jaws is one of those iconic films that everyone knows, even if they haven’t seen it. It preys on your fears and turns any calm and peaceful ocean into a terrifying pool of blood and death. Ergo, here’s a Jaws T-Shirt.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, a giant mechanical shark appears. But for all of the nightmares and irrational fears it has sparked, it was Steven Spielberg himself who suffered the most at the hands of this beast. An impressive prop, it looked all set to be the star of the film alongside Rod Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss, but then the problems started. As soon as they put it into the water, it started to rust and warp quite rapidly. Animating it was almost impossible and despite how impressive it looked, on camera, it just looked like a big fake shark. That’s why it appears only very briefly in the film. But then, that’s why it’s so terrifying. You spend the whole film waiting and waiting – building up the tension and nerves and stress. Apart from fleeting glimpses, it’s only at the end of the film that you get a good look at the monster. So that’s one reason I’m showing you this today. The other reason is because it’s now a very Spring-ish Summer and a lot of you will be heading to the beach this weekend. Just be careful when you get into the water. You never know what’s lurking beneath the surface…

It’s becoming a genuine pleasure to find a new t-shirt from Layer Eight who are masters of turning films and tv shows into fashionable tees. This one features the Amity Island logo and the colours are perfect. A great looking shirt. I discovered this it on notonthehighstreet.com, where it costs £25, comes in blue, and sizes range from small to XXL. So whether you’re a dogfish or a whale shark, there’s something for you here. Enjoy!

P.s. Alas, people have a rather irrational hatred of sharks. Yes, they can be dangerous but then they are predators. And then there are also the morons eating Shark fin soup – the procurement of which is frankly barbaric. Sharks need a little help too sometimes, so if you feel like helping to make the lives of sharks a little easier, I urge you to donate to The Sharks Trust. Do it!

‘The long-lasting love of a family is more healing than a band-aid could ever be.’ – Unknown

I don’t do nearly enough good deeds. Sure, I rescue kittens from burning buildings on regular occasions, but it’s less charitable when you start the fires yourself. So, to make up for all of that, here’s a Together Is Better T-Shirt – the proceeds of which go to charity.

What’s better than treating yourself to a new t-shirt? How about treating yourself to a new t-shirt which then helps make life better for families facing really tough times. This shirt comes to you from the Ronald MacDonald Housing Charities who do amazing work to ensure that, when children get sick, and have to spend some time in the hospital, their parents or guardians have somewhere to live close by. Ideally next door. By doing this, children and parents get to spend more time together, and they get to experience something as close to a normal life as possible. And yes, it is that Ronald MacDonald. I may hate his burgers, but consarnit, I think he does good charity work. And the kids think he’s pretty fun too. If you want to raise some money for them or donate to their cause, you can find their main site right here. It’ll help you get to heaven, wipe your conscience clean, and you get to help some sick children and their parents too. Do it! Do it now!

This Charity T-Shirt sports the Together = Better logo, and is available from rmhcshop.org.uk. It comes in grey, sizes range from Small to 2XL and it’l cost you just £8.00. That’s a great price, and all of that dosh goes straight into the charity’s coffers so they can build new houses and make people’s lives a bit better. Nice.

Other edible dinos include the Jello-Dactyl, Egg-Asaurus and Tri-Celery-Tops.

Dinosaurs and puns are two of my favourite subjects, and this Banana-Saurus Rex T-Shirt combines both. The only problem is adding the fruit and vegetables, which are two of my least favourite things. Blurgh. 

When I was a kid, I was obsessed with dinosaurs. Fascinated to the point of being a bit of an expert and decidedly destined to grow into a palaeontologist. Somehow, along the way, that dream died, or at least was replaced with various other dreams as I hit my teens – none of which are probably appropriate for this blog. Then, when I grew older, I invented this fun game. When you’re walking down a road or in the country, just imagine, at any given point in your strolling or meandering, that you are suddenly confronted by a T-Rex, say 50 metres/yards in front of you. What would you do? Should you stand still, hope it goes for someone else, run, or hide? Can you scramble up that bank, break into that house, dive down that path or alleyway? What is your best option for survival? And when you’re done with that, you can then try it with something like a lion or tiger or whatever (presents slightly different challenges). Trust me, I know it sounds silly, but it’s oddly addictive and it can really break up long walks. So, that’s the dino aspect of this tee covered – now for the fruit. I distrust fruit. And vegetables. There’s something sinister about them. Ok, people claim they’re all about distributing seeds, but I’m not buying it. I think it’s a secret plot by the plants to overthrow us somehow. I haven’t worked out the exact details yet, but if I don’t, there’s a chance we’ll realise only too late how evil they are…

Anyway, this splendid Dinosaur T-Shirt was found on Uncovet.com where it costs $25.00. It is available in brown, and sizes range from small to XXL, so whether you’re a raptor or a rex, you’ll be able to get the right size. As for all the punning, long may it continue. Pun on, gentlepeople, pun on.

I should meet this Nobody Ever. He’s said a lot of stupid stuff.

Ah, Unicorns. Everyone’s favourite mythological horse (sorry, Pegasus fans, you’re out). This funny Unicorns T-Shirt made me giggle, but then it made me think. I’m not sure these creatures are as cool as everyone makes them out to be.

If you’ve ever ridden a horse, you’ll know that at any given time, it’s about a split-second from going completely mental. God forbid you’re riding one when it goes nuts, because when it goes nuts, it goes full on macadamias. Bucking, kicking, bolting… Now imagine that it had a massive spike growing out of its face. Not so cute now, is it? You’ve basically weaponised crazy. And I’ve got this covered whether you’re a creationist or an evolutionist. If they existed (I know they didn’t, but let’s hypothesise), either Noah didn’t want one on the ark because it would either puncture the boat or kill everything else on it, or natural selection made the equine propensity for nuzzling their downfall. It’s a flawed design. Unless you actually want to kill someone, in which case just trot one of these towards them, then throw a mouse on its back and watch the show. But, it’s because of this that I think Unicorns are awesome. Certainly not lame, and therefore, the T-Shirt is correct.

This tee was found on Fab.com and was brought to you by Skip N’ Whistle. It’s reduced to $19 (down from $25) at the time of writing, but the only size left is XL. And it comes in black. So saddle up your horned steed, jump on board, probably die within ten minutes from horn-related injuries, get reincarnated and go buy this t-shirt. Sorted.